Life in the Meadow

Momma's Sewing Class: Day 1

2012-03-13T16:58:00.009-07:00

Well, since I am laying here on the couch with my back still hurting, I figure I might as well go ahead and blog again. Two days in a row!

This morning I woke up and felt better as it pertains to the back. I didn't feel GREAT, just better. So I decided I would sweep the floor and pick up the house a bit. Maybe not the BEST idea? I don't know. I just HATE sitting around doing nothing! My mom got to my house and we made our list for JoAnn's and off we went to purchase the things I needed to get started on my sewing adventure. Now, keep in mind, I've NEVER sewn anything in my life. Okay that is not true. In middle school home we had to sew these lovely nylon duffel bags...I believe mine was purple and turquoise. I have NO idea how I did that without hurting myself. I'm a bit accident prone and clumsy if you haven't picked that up yet. :)

Our trip to JoAnn's was fun as always. I could spend hours and hundreds of dollars in there. Easily. They had the cutest Easter and spring things out!!! It so puts me in the mood to "springify" my house. I was trying to not get distracted by all the cuteness because we had a mission - buy my sewing stuff. I already had the machine but I needed supplies. This to me was like grocery shopping. LIke not super fun but I knew I needed the stuff. That is until I found out that I needed a sewing basket. Um, I can get into choosing one of those. I like pretty things. So I picked up this little gem on sale.

The rest of the supplies weren't quite so fun for me but I knew I needed it all. Looking at the fabric was fun for sure. My first actual project is going to be curtains for my breakfast nook. Just simple panels, nothing crazy. I found several fabrics that I liked so we ended up after much debate just buying 1/2 a yard of each of them to bring home to hang up so I hopefully make a decision. By the time we got out of there I had a cart full of sewing supplies, some Easter goodies, and some supplies for a birthday cake I am making this weekend for my cousin.

We came home and set up the sewing machine which was somewhat interesting because mine is computerized and mom hadn't dealt with that kind before. We figured it all out eventually and after watching her I started sewing on some scrap fabric that we had (leftover from our wedding 5 years ago actually!) It was a lot easiers than I thought. The intial setup was kind of time consuming but the sewing part wasn't so bad. I definitely have some practicing to do before I sew on a real project but I feel a little better now knowing how to get it started at least. Me and my little alcoholic mind of course had so much anxiety about even beginning the project or buying the stuff so it was a sigh of relief when I found it to not be so bad.

In the meantime we hung up fabric samples all over my breakfast nook windows so we could gaze upon them during our sewing adventures. I am down to two that I really like and I just can't decide. They both match my house perfectly but they are kind of different looks so I am struggling. One is more springy I think so I am leaning towards that one. That is the one here:

However, this one below has a gorgeous purple color in it and I am loving that. They both go with my colors and my style so I'm just not sure. I have left them hanging up for the hubby to look at when he gets home. He says he doesn't really care but yet he always seems to have an opinion so we we will see HA ;)

I'm hoping to actually start sewing on these in a week or two. It's going to change that room so much having curtain in it! I can't wait!!

That was pretty much the extent of my day. Will had his first practice tonight for the traveling soccer team he is going to be on but I didn't go because of my back. Should be interesting fitting that in with Tae Kwon Do and baseball. We always seem to manage it okay though!

Hope you all had a great Tuesday!

It's all good....well almost all.

2012-03-12T13:43:00.006-07:00

Hey hey all! I haven't posted in a few days but I wanted to write about a few things that have gone on this weekend. First of all, on Thursday I gave my first lead! So crazy! I never thought at 10 months sober I would be doing that but when I know that when I was asked it was for a reason so I said yes. I was asked by a friend who I met in outpatient treatment and I was asked to speak at the treatment center that we both attended. It's a big meeting and you have to stand up in front with a podium - yikes! I was like, okay so do I plan this out or what? My sponsor said, nope, you sure don't. You have a beginning (which is just your name, your sobriety date, and your home group) and an end (thank you...so novel I know...HA) and she said to leave the middle to God. Pray that he gives you the words to speak and that is it. She said the best leads are the ones that aren't planned out because the best ones just come from the heart. That seemed so unnatural to me. I'm a planner by nature so as the day wore on Thursday I started getting nervous. I was like, okay, I'm nervous that I have NO plan. I had NO clue what I was going to say and that kind of scared me. I must have prayed a million times that day. I had a bunch of the ladies from my home group come to support me which just made my night. It's so wonderful to have people who truly care about me. It made me feel so grateful. Of course right before I was to speak I was like, oh no. I have to pee. Because that is just me. Nerves I guess. Then I got all worried about having to pee the entire time I was speaking. HA But before I knew it I was up there speaking and the words just flowed. It was over before I knew it! I did it!!! I made people laugh, I made someone cry, and a lot of people told me that it was great and that they could really relate and that they heard a lot of their story in mine. Wow. It was a whole different kind of rush and high. What an amazing thing to share experience, strength and hope with others.

Friday little sis Tabi and I went prom dress shopping for her senior prom - holy crap! Senior! Eep! On our way we noticed a ginormous strawberry on the side of the road so we knew that we just must stop to have our picture by it. My mom and I always say we are going to take a road trip to find random things like this. I mean it's not every day you get to take a picture like this right? I think not. And oh yeah, we found THE dress! :) I can't post pics yet because it's top secret. But trust me, she looks gorgeous in it!

Friday evening we went to USI (which is where I received my college degree not SO many years ago....okay maybe a FEW years ago...) for Sheridan's science fair awards. Her project was chosen to be entered in the Tri-State Science and Engineering Fair and we were told that she had won some awards so we needed to be there. How exciting! I would like to tell you in detail about her project but honestly science is lost on me. I mean it is interesting I suppose to a degree but I took the bare minimum I needed to in that area. Not my thing at all. But her project involved genetics and fruitflies. She is a little smarty pants and we are so proud of her! She ended up winning 1st place in her category in her division and won an honorable mention for the grand prize! Being that my husband is an engineer this is no surprise that she is good at this stuff :) Doesn't that look like a proud 6th grader to you?

So that is all good right? Well here is the "almost all" part of this post. Yesterday I went to my Big Book study group then went to the store. Having a lovely afternoon really. I came home, got out of the car with some groceries, walked up the steps, opened my front door and when I stepped into my house, BAM! My back had some sort of weird sharp pain and down I went. I managed to make it over to my kitchen island to put the groceries down but then I just kind of hung out in the floor until my husband came in. I was laughing so hard because if I didn't laugh I would have cried. I could not get up! He piggy backed me to the couch and told me to just fall over on the pillows. HAHA It was quite comical really because when I tried to walk I couldn't stand up so I just kind of danced along bobbing up and down. Sigh. I hurt SO bad last night. I couldn't stand up, could barely walk, couldn't straighten out my legs....ugh. My first thought, "There goes p90x. Dammit!" I think an injury like this is more frustrating than anything because I have to depend on someone else to do everything for me. I am not a sit down and watch people kind of person. This morning I went to the chiropractor (of course, my chiropractor is out on vacation..."climbing a mountain with his wife"...um. So I saw someone else in his office) and he worked on me. Pushed, prodded, cracked, massaged...I honestly feel a little better. I can straighten my legs now and walk...a little. I have to go back Wednesday and Friday. I will be sitting on a lot of ice and resting today and tomorrow. It's frustrating but I have to listen to my body even when I don't want to I guess. Let me just say, my little sister has been a star taking care of me today. I need to give props where they are due!

Ooooh....I've read a lot of good books recently too. I've been slacking on book posts...I might do one later. Hope everyone is having a great Monday (even with the time change!)

Hurts So Good

2012-03-06T09:32:00.002-08:00

Holy cow. So I started p90x yesterday. I had forgotten how hard that workout really is! Yesterday was chest/back + ab ripper. 90 minutes of pure pain. HA It was awesome though to be doing some exercise again. I'm so motivated to stick to this to hopefully see awesome results by beginning of summer. I went to the grocery store on Sunday and bought a whole boatload of healthy foods also. I know that diet is HUGE in looking great so I'll do it even if I'd rather have my Diet Dr. Pepper and chocolate chip cookie dough. Instead yesterday I had things like egg whites, grilled chicken salad, string cheese and almonds. Not so bad in all honesty....just a change.

Today I woke up and WOW am I am sore!!! My upper body feels like I've been in a car accident! It hurts to pick up things to move in certain ways....but it hurts so good. I haven't had this feeling in a long time and honestly I missed it. I love how it feels to workout and get in shape. Yes, I'm a sicko but I really do. About to move on to Day 2 workout today - Plyometrics. Let's see if I make it!

Other than that I had a great day yesterday. I met with my sponsor a bit before our meeting and she asked me to give my lead at the end of April at our women's meeting. Man! I'm starting to get nervous about giving my lead this Thursday. There were about 100 people at that meeting last week....yikes! I'm sure I will be fine - it's not something you can mess up. There is no right or wrong. I minored in Communications in college which was essentially a crazy ton of speech classes so surely I can handle this. Great women's meeting last night...I am so grateful to have that. A lot of towns do not have a women's meeting...I can't imagine. I've come to rely on the ladies in that group for so much and I don't know what I would do without them.

Wednesday I get to go see my best friend's baby again. So excited!!! :) Pretty much just a status quo week. I'm feeling good, I'm sober, and I'm feeling healthy. Here's to the good life!

Tomorrow is Day 1

2012-03-04T18:51:00.003-08:00

Tomorrow is Day 1. Day 1 of my journey to get back into a fit, healthy lifestyle. I have been putting it off and putting it off but it's time. My rear end says so!

I have always been into working out. I ran track and cross country in high school, worked out at our college gym during those years, and have belonged to several different gyms along the way. The longest I've gone without working out is probably 2-3 weeks. Before I went to rehab I had an extremely strict schedule as to when I worked out, what I did, what I ate, when I ate, etc. It was probably a little excessive honestly - I know, shocking that we alcoholics would be excessive about something right?? I went to rehab and worked out maybe 4 times while there and it was minimal. Yet another alcoholic trait of mine is that I'm very all or nothing. Well at that point, I became "nothing" as it pertained to working out and eating healthy. The food at my rehab was ridiculous. Full buffet for EVERY single meal. And I'm talking fried food, desserts as far as you could see, pastas, etc. You name it, we had it. I know their goal was to fatten some of us up because let's face it, some of us needed it. I gained some weight at rehab, totally lost any gumption to eat healthy and became pretty damn lazy in all honesty. I think that was the only negative thing about going but man, it's caught up to me now.

Now it's been 10 months. I NEVER got back into a routine that I needed to. I kind of have been eating whatever I want, whenever I want and not working out at all. I mean I walk the dog sometimes and small things but as far as exercising? Not so much. Especially for someone like me who has always been pretty hard core. I have building up to getting in the frame of mind to make the change and it's finally happened. I don't know if it's the fact that summer is coming or the fact that I KNOW how much better I feel when I am healthy in that manner but something has clicked and I'm now ready. Like I said, I'm "all or nothing" and now I'm in the ALL phase. Now, in saying that, this is something I have to watch. I have had issues in the past with eating and exercising so I have my hubby to yank a knot in my tail if I start obsessing over it all. My plan is to get back in shape, feel better physically and mentally, and have fun doing it. It's going to suck at first and I know that from experience but as so many things I've done in my life this past year, I know that the end will justify the means.

So tomorrow it starts. I got rid of all of my favorite junk food snacks, bought a ton of healthy food (which I actually like so I don't know why I ever get away from it), and have my p90x DVD's ready to go tomorrow. I've never done that particular program but I know my body can handle intense workouts so I say bring it on. I had hubby take "before" pictures tonight for me. I wore my bikini that I like to wear the most in the summer. Bam! I looked at the rear pics and I had no idea that I was THAT out of shape. Geez. Okay, I have made the right decision in getting this party started. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not the girl who runs around saying, "Oh, I'm SO fat." I know I am not fat. BUT I am out of shape and I can tell. My body has shifted and is out of shape and jiggly and I don't like it. So bear with me here.

Tomorrow morning....egg whites for breakfast and p90x for a mid afternoon snack. Gulp. Here we go....

(I pray I can even move my little hands to type after the workout. I have a feeling my lack of working out over the past 10 months is going to show....)

A Twister! A Twister!

2012-03-03T16:00:00.004-08:00

Hey all! It's been a pretty good week in my world overall. I was able to spend some time with my precious nephew Brayden and my cousin's little baby Colt. There are babies all over my world it seems like! Yesterday I celebrated 10 months of being in recovery - what a ride it has been! I always thought it sounded trite when people would say, "Your life will be better than you can imagine if you get sober", but it's honestly true. It does get better all the time and I am grateful every single day for that.

I think the big news around here this week though has been our crazy weather. For February, it sure has been active already. Living where we do in the midwest means we are pretty used to tornado warnings. As long as I can remember they have just been something that we have. When I was in high school if it was time to pack down to the cellar I made sure to throw together a backpack of all my precious belongings so they wouldn't blow away. You know, the important things....yearbooks, pictures of my friends and I, probably favorite CD's and books, my stuffed animals....come on. I couldn't live without all of these things! HA In 1990 when I was only 9 year old a tornado ripped apart the town next to ours and I saw the tornado in the sky. We were standing out in my Memaw's yard watching it. Probably not so safe but I'm sure there were a lot worse things I did as a child. In November 2005 one came through the city that I live in now and was devastating. Many people died, lost homes, etc. So since then everyone around here is a little more afraid.

This past week we were woken up at 5am on Wednesday morning to the storm sirens going off. We always kind of take our time getting to the basement unless it looks super serious on the radar. Let's face it - when you live where we live, a tornado warning in the next county over doesn't cause much alarm. It has to be within 5-10 miles for us to really get excited. Once they said one had been spotted we moved us and Rocko to the basement. Tabi was less than excited to have her sleep interrupted of course. That one was pretty much a false alarm that caused nothing but all of us being exhausted for the rest of the day.

Yesterday however was a different story. Yesterday I knew we were supposed to have storms but honestly you just never know if anything will happen or not. I went back and forth on going to a meeting or not but decided at the very last minute to do so. I figured I could get home before it got really bad outside. Tommy had left work early to go pick up our kids from school. A lot of the schools dismissed early due to the threat of extreme weather. While at my meeting the sky darkened, the wind picked up and the texts started coming in on my phone. My mom, my sister, the local weather station...we were all distracted in the meeting to say the least especially when the sirens started going off. By the end of the meeting my mom said the worst had passed us so I would be okay to drive home, however another one was coming so I had better hurry. I had already told Tabi to get in the basement and grab Rocko. I called Tommy and told him to hurry his butt home. I wanted us all home, together, in the basement. It looked ugly outside. And it feels weird when a tornado is coming also. If you've been around one, you know what I mean. I made it home about 5 minutes after Tommy and the kids and they started saying there was a sighting near our house. We all barreled to the basement when I told Tommy that it was about a mile from us. While in the basement someone from our country club posted the picture below. This is taken at the top of our hill from our house. Um. Okay. So that is actually scary. Like I said, normally we don't get too freaked out but that sucker is huge and ugly and black and WAY too close for comfort.

We rode out the storm in the basement until it passed and luckily not much happened here. It did not touch down here thank God but unfortunately it did touch down not so far from here. There was a lot of damage and loss of life. The devastation is so sad and it's so scary that this exact same storm that you see here is what caused all of that. If all this is already happening in February, I am afraid to see what spring and summer hold for us. Ugh. Thank goodness for a basement!

Things Only an Alcoholic Notices....

2012-02-25T17:39:00.003-08:00

It's funny how once we become sober we start realizing a lot of things that we never noticed before. For instance, for those who are sober alcoholics...did you ever notice all of the many commercials and billboards for alcohol before? I certainly didn't but I do now. It doesn't make me want it, but I notice them. I think we notice everything alcohol related now so much more than we once did and so much more than those "normal" people do.

Last night my hubby and I had a date night. We went to a new Japanese restaurant in town which is pretty yummy. Hubby has been to Japan 40+ times for work so he enjoys these restaurants every now and again. We sat down to the hibachi grill which of course means you are sitting with about 10 other people at your "table". Last night we were seated with about 8 ladies who appeared to be having a big ladies night out. Before the meal came 3 of them ordered wine. 2 whites and one red. The fact that I can tell you how many ordered wine and what they ordered tells you something. Hubby of course asked if it bothered me and it didn't at all. I notice it, but it doesn't bother me one bit. I have no desire to drink...it's not worth it to me. So we all had our soup course then our salad course then the hibachi guy (do they really have a name? Hibachi cook? I don't know...) came out and cooked our enourmous meals. YUM I would say an hour and a half passed until we were all finished with our meals. But you know what I noticed? These three ladies STILL HAD WINE IN THEIR GLASSES. Like from the first glass of wine that they had ordered before any courses were served. Only an alcoholic thinks that and laughs about it. I told hubby, "Holy crap. They STILL have wine in their FIRST glasses that they ordered at the beginning of the night." Here is how that would have went for me. First of all, I would have had at least half a bottle of wine before I even left the house. At LEAST half a bottle. Logic? Wine is cheaper at home so go ahead and get a buzz before you go to dinner. AND you are drinking on an empty stomach so the buzz comes quicker. Sane logic right? Second, when I got to the restaurant I would have instantly ordered wine. And I would have made sure it was a wine with a high alcohol content. None of this 7% BS for me if I'm paying that much for wine. I would have probably sucked down 2 before the first course even came. Probably another 2 during dinner and maybe one after. Third, I probably wouldn't have eaten as much as I did because I wouldn't want to ruin my buzz with a heavy meal. That is a whole lot of thinking that used to go into one dinner out for me huh? Now I get to go, enjoy my food, save a shit ton of money, not end up arguing with my hubby because by that point I would want to "go out", and not feel like crap the next morning. What a concept right???

So, if you are a alcoholic, this all makes perfect sense to you. If you are not, then well, yes, we truly are insane if you are asking yourself right now, "Are these alcoholic people insane???". Yes. Yes we are. I can tell you that I much prefer my dinner dates out now MUCH more than the old dates. After dinner we went to our meetings that a bunch of our couple friends go to then we went out for dessert with them afterwards. A fantastic night with no drama, no alcohol, and no arguing. I love this life!

It's baaaack....whatever "it" is

2012-02-23T15:21:00.004-08:00

Sunday afternoon I went to my wonderful women's group and when I got home, hubby was working in the garage on some projects. Typically I like to go down there with him and keep him company and piddle around when he is doing that. That night though I felt SO exhausted. The thought of getting up out of the floor (Okay, really I was sitting in Rocko's dog bed...) to hand him a screwdriver or whatever else he asked for was exhausting to me. I thought, well, I am just tired from the weekend.

Monday I woke up and was SO exhausted that I didn't want to do anything. And my mind seemed kind of foggy. Like I couldn't concentrate on anything. I went to a meeting that night and though I was hearing what was being said in the reading, I couldn't focus and really HEAR what was being said. I did admit this shortcoming in the meeting in case you are wondering...HA! I couldn't figure out what was going on until Tuesday afternoon when my fingers and wrists started hurting. Then I knew what was going on. IT was back. IT being this strange autoimmune disease that my mother also has. I had these symptoms a couple of months ago, went to the doctor and was given a steroid and a high dose of Ibuprofen. I was told my ANA levels were slightly higher than normal and to call if the problem came back.

Well it's back in full force and maybe worse than last time. The swelling isn't as bad this time but the fatigue is way worse. My mom has these EXACT same symptoms. She has been all over the state trying to find out what is wrong with her. She has been given a long list of things it is NOT and some answers about a few things but no one has really been able to answer what exactly this is except that it is autoimmune. This all might be boring for some of you to read but I kind of want to document this for myself so when it comes back again I will know how it was this time.

So basically instead of today cleaning our back porch, going to my meeting tonight, and various other things, I've spend the day laying around doing nothing. My wrists hurt, my elbows hurt, my fingers hurt, my arms feel tired and my knees hurt. My fingers are not working right. I keep dropping things and typing is somewhat difficult as well. It's extremely frustrating and my mom said she thought she was going crazy for awhile when she had these same symptoms. Again...I got sober and now this is what I get??? Come on man!

So I have an evening ahead of me of doing not much of anything. The agenda is to watch American Idol, eat the pizza that I ordered and start a new book. I have a good book review coming up soon. Definitely one for all to read. Will post about it tomorrow if I feel better!

Signing off for now...

My keyboard has dust on it!

2012-02-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I "wrote" on this blog. My mom in fact was all, "Is everything okay? You haven't blogged in awhile...." I guess I should mention that last year when I was going off the deep end I had another blog and stopped blogging cold turkey. That was a "sign" to my mother that things were a little off with me. HA I suppose a mother will always worry huh? But don't worry, everything is better than fine, I have just been doing other things. I think I kind of have ADHD with things I'm interested in. I'll be all gung ho about reading...then a month later I'll be gung ho about doing puzzles....then a month later I'll be gung ho about blogging....I think consistency is perhaps something I need to work on. Hmmm....

So things are going well in our house. Basketball is now over for Will and his team went undefeated this year up until the semi-finals of the tournament. We were so proud of him!

Sheridan is still my little bookworm and at 12 years old (I can't believe I'm typing that) she is growing up on us. This weekend I said all I could hear coming from her room was the sounds of loud music (albeit Taylor Swift...HA) and her talking on the phone to her friends rehashing the slumber party from the night before. Where does time go?? And my sister Tabi is almost all finished applying to colleges and getting ready for her final prom and graduation - crazy! We also recently celebrated her 18th birthday. She is an adult now! Which means if she does something stupid now she can go to jail and I can let her sit there....HAHA Just kidding Tab...well, kind of. ;)

Another exciting thing that happened is that my best friend of 25 years had a baby last weekend! They had their struggled with the journey so I couldn't be happier for two people than I am for her and her hubby. So I became an "aunt" again last weekend to little Lincoln Allen and I can't wait to go visit them on Wednesday!

Things are going really well in my sobriety journey. I could probably type for hours about this but I'll save some of it for other posts. I feel like I am getting more involved in my recovery community which is a wonderful thing on a lot of levels. I'm starting to reach out more to others, I'm leading meetings, I'm giving rides to people when needed, and get this - I have been asked to give my lead next month! AH! (For those not in recovery, giving a "lead" basically means telling your story during a meeting. It's about 45 minutes talking about your journey). I'll be giving mine at the treatment center where I did outpatient treatment and I'm looking forward to it. It's a pretty big meeting but I know I'll have some people there who I am friends with so that will be helpful. I'm trying to not worry about it too much but holy cow. I feel honored to be asked to do that and I hope something I say will help someone who is listening as I know it did me and still does.

I'll leave it all at that right now but I have some things coming up this week. I have some good recipes I want to post as well as my new recipe organizing system which I'm pretty proud of. :) Also, you will notice on my sidebar my books on "goodreads." If you like to read, I suggest you check out www.goodreads.com. It's pretty fabulous - you can go through books and mark them as read, to read, rate books, look at others books, etc. It's a great way to keep track if you are a bookworm like me. :)

Bye for now!

Words of Wisdom....Thursday!

2012-01-26T19:05:00.003-08:00

I'm a day late and a dollar short on this week's "Words of Wisdom Wednesday" but hey, better late than never right?

Making Amends....to the dog?

2012-01-24T19:22:00.001-08:00

Hey all! It's been awhile since I blogged! I think I go through spurts where I feel like writing and then I go in spurts where I don't. I've had a cold that has dragged me down and made me in somewhat of a "blah" mood so I'm sure that has something to do with it. On days like that I'm sure I would just depress everyone who read this. HA

So in my recovery news everything is pretty status quo. I'm going to meetings, doing my step work, and starting to try to take a more active role in our recovery community. My sponsor told me that it's time I pick a home group so I think I've figured that out. I belong to a great group of women in recovery and they have all been a great help on this journey of mine and I'm so grateful to them every single day. That will become my home group so basically I will do more service work, etc. for that group. It's a good way to be kept accountable. We also started this past weekend doing a Big Book study in which we are literally going through the Big Book page by page. I'm loving this group so far and look forward to going again next Sunday!

As for step work I am to the dreaded Step 9 - making amends. Now, I've definitely said I'm sorry more times over the past 9 months than I ever have in my life - and MEANT it when I said it. But making amends it a lot more than that. It's not only saying "I'm sorry" but it's saying "I was wrong" which is a big thing. Most people are tired of hearing "I'm sorry." Starting with "I was wrong" is a whole different meaning. To then go into everything you did that was wrong to these people and tell them your part in it ("I was selfish when I did "x"", etc.) is a really huge deal. I have to say this one is a little scary for me. Maybe it shouldn't be and I think some will be easier than others but damn. It will be very humbling for sure which is part of the point of this step. I know that I will feel some freedom once I do these amends so in a way I am looking forward to them. I joked with my sponsor, "Can I start with the dog? I feel he will be a good listener. And really, what can he say back that is bad? I owe him some apologies!" HAHA So, Rocko, you will be the first of a long list of amends that need to be made. Prepare yourself.

One of my friends that I met at rehab is coming tomorrow to stay for a couple of days - I am beyond excited!!! It's amazing the friends that you can make while in rehab. I went in thinking, "Oh I do NOT get along with women. THis is going to be horrible!," to coming out with some amazing friendships. You kind of go to hell and back with these women in a way. Unfortunately I have to say that most of the girls I was in rehab with just 8 short months ago have relapsed. Some relapsed and then got back into the program, some relapsed and have not yet found their way, some are trying "controlled drinking" (which really, if you can do that then in my opinion you aren't truly an alcoholic), and there are a few who are still doing the deal and are clean and sober. I pray for these ladies every single night and love each and every one of them even those who have not yet found their way. Anyway, my friend who is coming tomorrow is still going strong on her sober journey so we have great plans to eat junk food, watch trashy reality TV, and live in sweats for the next couple of days. Doesn't this sound grand??? I think so. :)

I am becoming a bit obsessed again with decorating our house. We had only lived in our new house for about 3 months before I started decorating for fall then straight into Christmas. So now what...my house looks bare!!! Time to get back in the game. More to come on that!

Oh, and I got my hair colored for the first time! Damn you gray hairs. I am 30 and have them. Thanks mother. HA It's a little darker than it was before and I love it! CHEESE!

Just Me, Being Me

2012-01-15T15:54:00.000-08:00

I've recently seen some bloggers revamping their "About Me" sections or writing posts letting you know a little more about them. I decided to go ahead and throw one of these posts on here because I know a lot of you who read my blog don't know me in real life. Those who do, well you probably know most of this so just play along :) How about 30 random things about me in no particular order...

1. I bite my lips horribly until they have huge spots on them. I hate this habit.
2. I am the oldest of technically 5. I have a stepsister, 2 half sisters, and a brother. You can't even imagine my family tree.
3. Teen Mom has become a guilty pleasure of mine. Oh the shame...
4. I wash my face and take my eye makeup off every single night before bed without fail no matter what.
5. I was tanorexic in my early 20's. A habit I have since remedied and am now obsessed with sunscreen and hats.
6. I am watching the Golden Globe red carpet right now. I adore these shows.
7. I want to be friends with Zooey Deschanel. How fun does she seem??
8. I can make almost any baked good perfectly and make some mean meals but I always struggle with making rice. What is up with that?
9. I have a BS in Advertising/PR but was originally a Psychology major. Wish I would have stuck with that.
10. I got chicken pox the night of my first grade program in which I was to sing a solo - Zip-a-dee doo-da and I BEGGED my mother to let me go. She didn't. I think this was the start of my childhoold demise. HA
11. I am a total neat freak though looking at my room in high school you would never think this could happen.
12. I have been friends with my best friend for coming up on 26 years. We met in kindergarten and the rest has been history. We could write SEVERAL books I'm sure.
13. I went to rehab in Nashville, Tennessee and adore going back there as an alumni.
14. I LOVE sparkly things. If you look in my closet the majority of my shoes, clothes, hats, etc. have some sort of bling on them. I will never outgrow this.
15. I ran cross country all 4 years of high school and received the MVP award 3 of those 4 years.
16. I wear onion goggles when I chop onions. Look them up - they are for real and necessary.
17. I can watch Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall over and over again.
18. I love sending REAL mail. Letters, cards, thank you notes, packages - anything.
19. I used to take voice lessons and play the piano.
20. Since rehab I have become addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper. Could be worse I suppose.
21. I have always had an obsession with the Royal Family. When I was a child I was just sure that I would one day marry Prince William. HA
22. I had braces in high school
23. I faint very easily and have "white coat syndrome". I've passed out at the gynecologist, family doctor, chiropractor, orthodontist, home, school - you name it.
24. I absolutely hate scary movies. I hide my eyes or change the channel anytime a preview even comes on. I'm a wuss.
25. I have a bracelet that says "I kiss my bulldog on the lips." And I do. HA
26. I can't stand to wear high heels. I used to live in them.
27. I never wanted to have kids. I still do not want to have biological children and I'm 30. Two stepchildren and being legal guardian of my little sister is good enough for me!
28. My father died at age 45 when I was just 22 years old.
29. I still have all 4 of my grandparents living. Pretty rare for a 30 year old!
30. I get extremely motion sick even in the front seat of a car sometimes. Super annoying.

A Recipe and a Read

2012-01-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I posted and I am not really sure why. Probably because things have been pretty status quo around here.

My precious little Rocko had surgery yesterday morning and had to stay overnight at the vet. I was traumatized by this. I'm sure HE was fine, but me? Not so much. HA He is now home recovering with the cone of shame and some baby socks to cover his wounds. Doesn't he look embarrassed? He probably wouldn't be if I wouldn't take pictures of him like this to show the world.
I have been reading a lot of books lately. This is one that I asked to receive for Christmas and it did NOT disappoint. My husband and I are St. Louis Cardinals baseball fans but awhile ago when I heard a little bit of Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton's story, I quickly became a fan of his. This book is a firsthand account of his life from childhood. Though obviously there is a lot of baseball talk in here, the meat of the story is a very honest account of where his addiction demons took him and how he overcame them. He goes into detail about how he lived his life then and how he lives his life now. The excerpt that I read awhile back making me want to read this book can be found by clicking this link: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2926447. This is just an excerpt of his story. And if that doesn't make you want to get this book then I don't know what will. I read it in two nights. It's a very easy read and it left me wanting more. This just emphasizes the fact that addiction is a powerful disease and does not discriminate. It can completely take over your life no matter how talented you are, no matter how much money you have, and no matter how much support you have at home. I kind of want to read this book again just talking about it. HA

And finally for a recipe. We are trying to eat healthier with the new year. And my husband has entered into a "biggest loser" type contest at his work, so it's ON. HA A lady that he works with has an amazing recipe for Red Beans & Rice which we love so I made that tonight. It makes a lot so it's great for leftovers and it's pretty easy to make. I made it a little healthier by using brown rice, turkey sausage and reduced sodium beans. I omit the green peppers but you can definitely add to and omit to this basic recipe as you please. So here you go:

Red Beans & Rice:

Ingredients
1 cup uncooked rice
1 (16 ounce) package turkey kielbasa, cut diagonally into 1/4 inch slices (I use 2 packages...just our preference)
1 onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 clove chopped garlic
2 (15 ounce) cans canned kidney beans, drained
1 (16 ounce) can whole peeled tomatoes, chopped
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
salt to taste
1/2 teaspoon pepper
Cajun Seasoning (to taste)

Directions:

In a saucepan, bring water to a boil. Add rice and stir. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 20 minutes.
In a large skillet over low heat, cook sausage for 5 minutes. Stir in onion, green pepper and garlic; saute until tender. Pour in beans and tomatoes with juice. Season with oregano, salt and pepper. Add Cajun Seasoning according to taste. Simmer uncovered for 20 minutes. Serve over rice.

I'm a Bookworm: A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown

2012-01-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

Here is something you may not know about me - I'm a bookworm. I have ALWAYS been a bookworm. I learned to read very young and truly enjoyed it. I used to save my allowance for books when I was little. Still to this day one of my favorite places to be is in a bookstore. I especially love a good used bookstore - the smell of old musty books is intoxicating to me in a good way. I've read some really great books lately so I want to start sharing those on this blog. I like all types of books so you never know what I might come up with on here!

Yes, the author's name is Cupcake Brown. You will understand once you read the book. Don't let this book cover full you into thinking this is some bubbly fun chick-lit book. This is a memoir and it is so incredibly REAL and honest. There are a lot of heavy subjects covered in this book. Just take a look at an excerpt from the back:

"There are shelves of memoirs about overcoming the death of a parent, childhood abuse, rape, drug addiction, miscarriage, alcoholism, hustling, gangbanging, near-death injuries, drug dealing, prostitution, or homelessness.

Cupcake Brown survived all these things before she’d even turned twenty.

And that’s when things got interesting…."

This is honestly one of the best books I have read in a really long time. To hear her story and how successful she is now is incredible. Go get this. NOW.

Getting Outside of Myself

2012-01-05T15:46:00.001-08:00

Today has been a waste. Okay, not a waste...I remained sober, went to therapy, went to my sister's therapy with her and even managed to order a pizza. HA! But I haven't felt well today so I've spent most of the day in sweats curled up on the couch.

But yesterday was a VERY productive day and it was a great day because I participated in a couple of great recovery activities and really got outside of myself. For this alcoholic, getting outside of myself is absolutely necessary in my recovery. It's necessary for me to do everything I can to assist in my own recovery and help others in theirs.

Before I went to inpatient treatment I began outpatient treatment where I live. I only did about two weeks before going to inpatient. Part of my continuing care program in leaving inpatient was to start back into outpatient treatment upon my return home. So I started outpatient treatment all over again. I had a completely different outlook on life though so I was happy to start over and continue to learn. It was three nights a week at one of our local treatment centers and we were required to attend three 12 step meetings a week. I enjoyed going to both the classes at the treatment center and was more than happy to attend the three meetings and then some. Once six weeks is complete in the outpatient program you can then attend the Aftercare program which is once a week. You are not required to attend (unless legally you have to) but it's just another recovery tool that is offered so I take advantage of it. I try to attend every week as part of my program and truly enjoy it. Aftercare is either Wednesday morning at 10 or Thursday evening at 6. I have been attending Thursday night but yesterday I attended Wednesday which is a much smaller group than the Thursday. Since it's a much smaller group it has the feel of group therapy. It's wonderful to receive support in this setting. Someone was struggling very much yesterday with some things going on in her life. Instantly she had received 4 phone numbers of women she can call at any time she needs to talk. She knows we will not judge her or make her feel bad - we will just listen and share experience, strength, and hope. It's awesome to know that such supportive groups can exist for those of us in recovery.

Yesterday evening at 5pm I went to the local inpatient treatment center in our city. They hold a group every Wednesday evening called "Bridge Group" in which those of us already out in the "real world" in recovery go into the treatment center and answer questions that the patients have. It is meant to help "bridge the gap" between treatment and the real world for those currently in treatment. I know when I was in both inpatient and outpatient treatment I so appreciated those who volunteered their time to come in and speak to us. I had no idea what life was going to be like once I was out of treatment so having people in recovery come in and give us honest opinions on what worked for them was very comforting. Some of my friends in the recovery community go to Bridge Group often and invited me. It was a really great experience. The patients write down questions on a piece of paper anonymously and we answer them in the order that we pull them out of a can. If even one thing that we said touched one person then it is a success in my book. I hope to be able to do this at least once a month. It is also a good reminder to me that not long ago I was the one in treatment. I was the one feeling that way. I pray to never go back to that stage of the game.

As I said, today was pretty much a wash. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better because I have a lot of things that I need to take care of. So here's to bed early, sleeping well, and tomorrow being a new day!

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

2012-01-04T10:52:00.001-08:00

Eight

2012-01-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

Celebrating 8 months of a new, wonderful way of life!

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! From the most awesome English Bulldog ever....my "little" Rocko!

I hope everyone had a great and safe Christmas and New Year's Eve/New Year's Day. Our holiday week was extremely busy but also a lot of fun and filled with friends and family. I really couldn't have asked for anything more. One of the highlights of the week was meeting my little niece Cadence for the very first time! She was born in April but since she lives in Florida we haven't gotten to see her yet. I absolutely fell in love with this little doll baby. I can't believe she lives so far away! I see some Florida trips in the near future!

This being my first holiday season sober, I didn't know what to expect. I am extremely fortunate that even with all of the family gatherings that I attended, I never once had to be around alcohol. I know this isn't the case for everyone so I am thankful for that. The living "one day at a time" certainly contributed to my stress level being much lower this year than in year's past. I knew I had a ton of stuff going on but I just didn't let myself get overwhelmed and worried about it like I have before. That doesn't mean I wasn't rushing around cleaning and cooking like a mad woman...that will probably never change. But it was a different feeling altogether and it was great!

I was so busy for a few days that I let myself get a little complacent about getting to meetings as often as I normally do. I went I believe 5 days without which is very unusual for me. I realize that I am not at a point where I can do that. I start getting way too irritible and discontent. I attempted to go to one on Monday night but as I was in the drive thru at Starbucks right before, I received a phone call that my family was on the way to the ER because Rocko and Will were playing rough like they usually do and this time Rocko's claw ended up on Will's lip. It ended up not even needing stitiches thank goodness but it was still a pretty good scare. Needless to say I didn't end up making my meeting that night. The next day I said come hell or high water I was getting to a meeting or I was going to commit homocide. HA! Lucky for everyone in my house I made it to one. And what a relief. Such a feeling of peace and contentment came over me. Amazing.

For New Year's Eve we didn't have any big plans. In fact we planned on just staying home. We usually travel on New Year's but we didn't this year. Certainly we weren't going to attend any big parties going on. I thought that I was okay with staying home. But as the afternoon progressed I started feeling kind of sorry for myself. Like, woe is me. I have to sit at home while everyone else goes out and does fun things. This is going to be just like any other night at home, nothing special. And don't get me wrong, I love nights at home. But I started to get in the self pity mode which is not a good place to be in. I knew there was a big New Year's event going on in the recovery community but I hadn't planned on going. Why not, I don't know. I started tossing the idea around of going. I started thinking it would be good for me to go and be around other people in recovery. So I discussed it with Tommy and we decided we would go out to eat and then to the recovery event. I picked myself up out of the funk, put on a sequined hot pink shirt and glittery eye shadow, and off we went. I was in a better mood even before we left the house because I started telling myself how silly I was being. Who says that just because I'm sober I have to sit at home in sweats on New Year's Eve. NO ONE that's who. Thank goodness my husband was willing to just get up and go out with me since that wasn't our original plan.

Most restaurants were extremely busy as to be expected but there was this new Japanese restaurant that wasn't too busy. We decided to try it out and when we walked in so did two of my longtime friends with their kids! We were doing hibachi so we ended up all sitting together and it was really a great time. I got to spend time with my husband, catch up with some old friends, and eat great food. After dinner Tommy and I killed some time shopping then we went to the recovery event downtown. I was SO glad that I decided to go. I was blessed with hearing a great speaker tell his story and spend some time with some friends I have made over the past year in this awesome sober community that we have. I told my sponsor I had been in a funk that afternoon and she said something that was very true: "Just remember, it's just another day." Very true. Yes, it was New Year's Eve but it was also just another day. Another day to celebrate sobriety, all the blessings in my life, and to spend an evening with good friends who genuinely care about me. Hubby and I came home after the event and relaxed and watched the NYE shows. We made it until midnight...barely!

So here's to 2011 being over and starting a brand new chapter in 2012. 2011 has been the best and worst year of my life. I like to think that the year didn't truly start until around mid May of 2011 because that is when I truly began becoming sober and that is when my life truly began in my eyes. I am so thankful for everything that I have today and hope to continue the sober trend into 2012 and beyond!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T19:03:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season! I know mine has been wonderful so far! Yesterday my husband and I exchanged gifts with each other as we always do on Christmas Eve. Santa was good to us both this year! We then went to his parent’s house for a yummy meal and present opening. This morning we got up and gave Tabi her presents from Santa. That girl normally can sleep until noon but wouldn't you know she was up before 8am ready for presents? She broke my 8am rule! HA This afternoon Will and Sheridan came to our house to see what Santa brought them and now we are all just enjoying the evening. I am BEAT though. I feel like I have a lot to do but taking things one day a time is really helping this year. I am not even stressed yet about what I have to do later in the week. And thank goodness because we still have two Christmas celebrations to go! On Wednesday I get to meet my niece for the very first time! She isn't even a year old yet and lives in Florida so we rarely get to see them. It will be great to see my stepsister, her hubby and precious little Cadence!

Here are some things that have been going on this holiday season for us....

Baby sister Tabi all dolled up for her Christmas dance...last one as she is a senior this year!

Check out Will looking right at me during his school Christmas program...HA!

Nothing makes Sheridan happier than books and gift cards to buy books!

My little nephew Brayden had his first Christmas this year!

Do you think Will likes this present from Mamaw and Papaw? I'm guessing yes

Santa brought a zip line to our house this year and put it up in the woods! It has some tweaking to make it perfect but once it is it will be an awesome toy to have!

"What Makes You Happy?"

2011-12-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

When I went to rehab one of the things that made me the most nervous was having to live with a bunch of women for 30 days. I was never one of these people who needed a ton of "girlfriends" in which to hang out with and talk to all of the time. So to be "stuck" with a bunch of women for that long sounded awful to me. Who knew that I would walk away from that place with some of the best friends a girl could ask for? We were all so different yet we all shared the common bond of addiction/alcoholism which was huge. We UNDERSTOOD each other on a level that our "normal" friends never would. I still keep in contact with many of these women and probably always will. They were a huge part of what made my experience so amazing and life changing.

The sad thing is that not all of the women that I was in rehab with have remained sober since leaving. They tell us at rehab that most will not make it but I don't we really grasp it until we see it. I pray for these women every single day and hope that the ones who have not remained sober find their way back because they are all awesome people who deserve to be well.

A couple of nights ago I was talking to one of my closest friends from rehab. She is having some struggles in her sober journey and I hate that for her. I hope she can find her way because I love her dearly. We were discussing the "geographical cure" and I said to her that if you are happy you can be happy anywhere just like if you are truly unhappy you can be unhappy anywhere. She said, "What makes YOU happy?" To me the answer was simple: Sobriety. That is an all encompassing answer. Because of my sobriety, the rest of my life is now happy. I have a good marriage, I have a good relationship with my stepkids and my sister, I am grateful, I have the opportunity to meet amazing people from all walks of life, and I am happy with myself and my decisions today. I have bad days and get in bad moods - I am human. Everyone does. Being sober doesn't get rid of those days unfortunately. But overall, I am happier now than I've ever been.

This Christmas I get to be present. I get to enjoy every moment that happens. That is such a blessing and I never would have thought it could be this good. So thank you to all of those who have helped in this journey and that I can truly say AM happy.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

2011-12-21T20:25:00.001-08:00

Bake-a-Palooza rounds 2 and 3!

2011-12-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned how much I love baking? Especially around the holidays? It calms me. That might sound strange to some people but I get so caught up in the baking and making everything look pretty that everything else in my mind just fades away. Today completed round #3. I still have one more round to take care of since we are doing some family stuff the week after Christmas this year. If only someone would come clean up after me!

Round #2

So to call this a "round" might be kind of odd since it's really only one thing. BUT, considering this is a two day project, I'm calling it a round. Okay? Thanks. HA

I made these sugar cookies for Christmas at my Grandma's house. This is my best friend's sugar cookie recipe which is legendary around here. This is a two day process but I love doing them! They taste good and they are so pretty!
Round #3

Round 3 was a bit more intensive. My husband asked me to bake tins full of goodies for some of his coworkers and I also wanted to make some for our neighbors. I have so many recipes that I love, it's hard to narrow down what to make. I figure I have enough baking to do that I can get it all in one way or the other!

In the tins that I made today there were some of the same things that I made last week - snickerdoodles, red velvet cake balls, hard candy (mint this time!) and peanut brittle. In addition to those things I made:

White Chocolate topped Gingerbread Cookies - These are SO good fresh out of the oven! So soft and just the right amount of both white chocolate and gingerbread flavor. I made these pretty small and they made a lot. Definitely adding this to my yearly Christmas goody list!

Chocolate Peppermint Cookies - I've made these before and they are kind of a pain but so worth it. They taste so good and they are so pretty when finished. That Martha Stewart sure knows what's up!

Puppy Chow - What can you say about puppy chow? Super easy, super yummy, and everyone loves it. Any questions?

Peppermint Bark - I will probably double this recipe next time. I just made mine into a sheet of bark instead of the cool snowflakes shown on the site where I found the recipe. I didn't buy molds in time but next year I will!

One week until Christmas!

2011-12-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

One week until Christmas! I give you our silly family picture from this holiday season...HA! The REAL us!

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

2011-12-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

Love this. So true. We aren't the ones in control...

Bake-a-palooza 2011 has begun!

2011-12-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

I have always loved to bake. My mom and I used to always get together and bake at Christmas - some years we went crazier with it than others to say the least. Last year I didn't do much baking. For one, we were in a condo because our house had just burnt down a month prior to Christmas. And two, I'm sure I was too busy going out and drinking to worry about such things. So happy that this year I actually care about all of those things that I once upon a time loved doing!

So yesterday began....Bake-a-palooza 2011! I love giving baked goods as gifts. I'm not working this year, BUT I am still friends with a lot of people from the place where I worked for 7 years. They always LOVED when I would bring in bags of goodies at Christmas so I decided to bake for them this year. I baked all day yesterday and delivered them today - hope they enjoy!!! I have quite a few more days ahead of me baking so stay tuned for more!

(Pictures from my kitchen)
Here is the rundown from day 1 of baking (click on the name to link to the recipe)

Peanut Brittle (bottom left picture)
I've made this peanut brittle for years and it turns out perfect every time. Make sure you make friends with your candy thermometer and don't try to multi task with this one. It needs your love the entire time!

Cinnamon hard candy (top left picture)
Again, make friends with the candy thermometer on this one. You can make it whatever flavor you want! I only did cinnamon this time but have the stuff for both mint and root beer!

Simply Sinful Cinnamon Muffins
This was the first time I have made these muffins and oh my goodness am I glad that I did. I didn't have rolled oats so just used regular Quaker oats and it was fine. I used butterscotch chips which I think gave them great flavor. I'll be making these again for sure!

Chocolate and Toffee Bars (bottom right picture)
I made these a couple of years back and forgot to put them on my blog so I've been looking forever for the recipe! I finally found it! These are so rich so I cut them into pretty small pieces most of the time. Delicious!

Candy Cane Blossoms(top right picture)
These are just a cute, simple, and festive looking sugar cookie for the holidays. I think the kids would love doing these!

Snickerdoodles
This is my go-to snickerdoodle recipe. I always use this one and people love them. Perfect every time!

Red Velvet Cake Balls (below)
This was the first time I've made these little balls of yummy goodness. Dipping anything in chocolate is a pain in the rear but man these are good. I especially like them straight out of the refrigerator. This recipe makes a BUNCH. I am freezing half of them to use in some gift boxes this weekend.

(Pictures from my kitchen)

Tomorrow and Friday I'll be baking for Christmas at my Grandma's this weekend, for neighbors and for a group of friends I'll be hanging out with Thursday night. I think everyone thinks I'm nuts but I love it! :)

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

2011-12-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

I have always, always loved Christmas. I love decorating, wrapping gifts, baking goodies, Christmas services at church...pretty much everything involved. When I was little we would drive around looking at Christmas lights and I couldn't wait to see them and look in the sky for Santa and his sleigh! Now that I'm "grown up" (or something like that...) I have my own family, my own house to decorate, and my own kids to start holiday traditions with. Last weekend we decorated our house and it was extra fun this year because a) I'm sober and b) we are in a new house this year! To say I go slightly overboard at Christmas...well....take a look...

Rocko just wants to come outside and help us hang the lights....

Front porch all ready for Santa!

My husband is a University of Kentucky grad so we had to have a UK themed tree

This is my candy and sweets themed tree. I have always wanted one of these since I was little and now I finally have one :) Sheridan loves helping me with this one

This is our big family tree. Every ornament on this tree has a story behind it. Some are older than I am. My ornaments are some of my most prized posessions. When our house burnt these boxes were far enough in the attic to survive. Thank God. Every year I buy everyone a new ornament and that is the first ornament that goes on the tree. Someday when the kids have their own trees they can take these ornaments with them and be reminded of our tradition.

And the newest addition to our decor this year....a leg lamp! No Christmas is complete to me without The Christmas Story. I used to watch it so much that my Granny hid it from me so she wouldn't have to watch it anymore. So now I have a little bit of it in my own house. HA

I'm so thankful this Christmas to have everything that I have. I think it might just be the best one yet!

Seven

2011-12-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

Seven months ago on this day - May 1st - I was scared to death. I had hit rock bottom and had FINALLY surrendered to the fact that I was very sick. I think I had known it for awhile but I was finally to the point where I was ready to accept help. After having a panic attack the night before I knew that something had to give. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who was willing to help me get the help that I needed. May 1st was a Sunday. I was so out of my head that I had my husband give me Xanax to calm me down. I had it prescribed for when I flew - this time I wanted it because I knew I couldn't drink but I needed SOMETHING. I had at this point agreed to go to treatment. I wanted to go away - I NEEDED to go away. I had tried outpatient treatment here and I needed more than that. I had no idea what was about to happen to my life, I just knew that I was ready to do whatever I needed to do to save my family and my life. I've never really had that feeling of not even knowing where I would be the next day but I had it on that Sunday. We were waiting until Monday to go to the treatment center where I was doing outpatient so I could be referred to an inpatient facility away from here. So that Sunday was a waiting game for me. I have never felt so lost, so restless, so helpless, and so fearful. That was 7 months ago today.

The next day I was referred to a treatment center in Nashville, TN which is about 3 hours from where I live. I was told around 10 am that morning that I could be admitted that evening. I wasn't expecting it to go so fast. I guess I thought somehow I could just put it off until "tomorrow" just like I had with everything else in my life. But by 3 o'clock that afternoon I was on the road with my husband driving me to an unknown place with unknown people and an unknown way of life. I think at that point I started to actually FEEL for the first time in a LONG time. I was scared. I was nervous. I was excited in a way. I had no idea what was going to happen when we got there. By the time we got there it was dark. It was rainy. It was fitting. After a couple of hours of paperwork and assessments I was in. For 30 days. Guess they decided I was sick enough to be there. I was still in BS mode on some level and the guy doing my assessment told my husband that he could see right through me. Hm. When my husband left I felt so alone. I felt like I was in some crazy dream. I was in medical wing of a treatment center sleeping across from the nurses station. I was being given blood tests, urine tests, waiting on my luggage to go through security....all at 11 o'clock at night. I was ready though. I was willing. I still at this point thought everyone around me was WAY sicker than I was. I was not as bad as "these people" I thought. I had lied to myself for so long that it was still easy to do so at that point. That first day there was Monday, May 2nd which is my sobriety date. That is the first day I had nothing to drink, no pills, nothing. What a life changing day that turned out to be. I have a lot more to say about my experience there but I'll save that for another day. I can say this - if you have the opportunity to go away to treatment and you are ready to be willing and open minded, do it. Go. It saved me.

Now 7 months later I look back on those two days and wonder who that person was. I look the same on the outside aside from gaining some much needed weight. But on the inside I could not be more different than that girl who walked into that treatment center. I owe everyone there my life. The friends that I made, the counselors who worked with me, the doctors who helped me understand that this is a disease, the people at the meetings that we were taken to, the alumni who came back to speak at the treatment center and the nurses who dealt with so many things on a daily basis with those going through heavy detox.

Making the decision 7 months ago to get help was the single best decision I have ever made. I am now a better everything - stepmother, sister, wife, daughter, best friend, aunt, granddaughter, sister-in-law, friend, and member of society. It has not always been easy. I have had some dark days. But I am willing to do anything and everything that I need to do to keep this way of life. Everyone says that you will be amazed at how much better life gets and it is true. Even after only 7 months sometimes I look around and just want to scream with excitement at how grateful I am. I'm grateful to know that I'm not the only one and that there are others who "get" me. I'm grateful to know that I'm a good person, just a sick person. I'm grateful to know that I don't have to drink when life gets crazy. I'm grateful to everyone who stuck by me when I was going through my dark times.

I'm rambling now but I wanted to get this out there tonight. Tomorrow I will get my seven month chip. I'll send a picture of it to my husband and to my mom after the meeting. I think that picture every month means just as much to them as it does to me.

Grateful to be alive and sober tonight.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

2011-11-30T20:36:00.001-08:00

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

2011-11-16T11:00:00.001-08:00

Do you miss it?

2011-11-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

A few things that I do NOT miss about my drinking days:

Obsessing all day over when I was going to be able to drink next

The money that I spent on going out and buying alcohol

Feeling so sick the morning after a binge that I had to make myself vomit

Wicked headaches that lasted all day during a hangover

Arguing with people I love when drunk over nothing at all

The drama that I either caused or was involved in as a bystander

Figuring out how the heck I was going to get home when I drank too much to drive

People who claim to be friends but only show up when you party with them

Blackouts

Looking wretched after a night out but thinking I still looked fabulous

Super late nights and lack of sleep

Trying to function the day after super late nights and lack of sleep

Feeling restless and alone all the time

Lying, manipulating, and hiding things from those who truly love me

Being a bad example to my siblings and anyone else who might have looked up to me

Hiding alcohol in plastic cups, fast food cups, etc. to try to conceal the alcohol

Things that I DO miss about my drinking days:

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

2011-11-09T20:46:00.001-08:00

I like words. Is that weird? I love quotes and I would have an entire wall of quotes in my house if my husband would let me. I have found some really amazing quotes that deal with recovery and I've decided to share some of those with you every week. Wednesday Words of Wisdom....by me. Because I'm wise. Or something like that. :)

Brayden Edward Cashin - Welcome to the world!

2011-11-08T17:11:00.001-08:00

This morning the phone woke us up around 5:45am and it was my sister (technically half sister to me she is just my sister) saying she was in labor and at the hospital! EEEE!!! I could not go back to sleep so baby sis who lives with me and I went to the hospital this morning around 9am. Poor Bethany was so tired from being up all night. I can't even imagine. Childbirth...no thank you. I'll just let everyone around me do it so I can still get to be around babies sometimes. :) Around noon she was only 4 centimeters so we thought we had awhile but within about an hour we had a baby!!! My precious little nephew Brayden Edward Cashin was 7 perfect pounds and 7 perfect ounces. Hearing him let out a big cry when we were outside of the birthing room was one of the best sounds ever. New babies are so darn cute. The little noses just crack me up. So tiny! Then I thought, hm. My bulldog weighs 7 times what this baby weighs....wow. I think of the weirdest things. Anyway, thank God that everything went well and I look so forward to watching my new little nephew grow!

Welcome to the world Brayden and congrats to Bethany and Justin!!!

Oh to hell with it...

2011-11-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I was browsing around the internet for other recovery blogs and I found quite a few that I really enjoyed reading. Everyone has a different story - some who have long term recovery, some are just getting into the program, and some are trying to decide if they even need a program. I found one blog that really stood out though. This blog is a man in recovery who is brutally honest and it is beyond refreshing to see. You can check his blog out here. In recovery or not, I think most people would find this a good read. But back to the brutally honest part...it's refreshing. You get into recovery and you are on the proverbial "pink cloud" and everything is sunshine and rainbows. But then a bad day hits. Wait, those aren't supposed to happen now right? I mean, I'm SOBER for crying out loud! Ah, if only it were that simple.

Sex and the City is one of my favorite shows of all time. There is one episode where Samantha is to speak at a charity benefit for Cancer. She writes this lovely speech that sounds all wonderful and everything is right where it should be but when she gets up to give it, she breaks out into a horrible sweat. She is uncomfortable. She is miserable. So she instead rips off her wig exposing her bald head and says, "Oh to hell with it..." Then she gets honest. Brutally, not pretty, really honest.

It kind of had me take a look at my own blog. I think a lot of us have a habit of putting a lot of really good things on a blog. Myself included. Great recipes, great days spent with family, kids accomplishments, etc. I think sometimes though on the days that blogging would probably really be beneficial to me I think to myself, "Okay, no one wants to hear you bitch and moan about a bad day." So then I go bitch and moan to my sponsor or hit a meeting. Not that those are bad things but I guess I want to make sure I'm being real on this blog. Even if it isn't always pretty and well put together. I'm ripping the wig off people. In the words of the great Samantha Jones, "To hell with it!"

So how do I REALLY feel right now in my sobriety? Most days I truly do feel great. I mean I'm not hungover, I'm not lying to anyone, I'm not manipulating people, and I'm actually doing the things that a real grown up wife/sister/daughter/stepmom does. It's pretty wonderful. Except for on days when it is not.

What is a bad day in sobriety? Well, it doesn't mean you have to go out and drink or use. I would be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind though. It does. Just Saturday night after a particularly stressful week I thought, man, a glass of wine would be so great while I'm fixing dinner. It's a fleeting thought though. Right after I think that I go straight to, "You idiot. You can't drink just ONE glass of wine. You know this. Get praying." So I do. But does it sometimes agitate me when I see people who can drink normally knowing that I can't? Yes. It does. I am not mad at them for being "normal" when I think those things. Probably more mad at my own disease. I know that I can't have two glasses of wine with dinner and be finished though. And that's that.

Other bad day things? How about when the guilt of the crap that you have put everyone through rears its ugly head? Those days are fun right? I'm in the middle of doing my 5th step right now so a lot of these things have popped up. I think most of the time I can tell myself, "April, you are a sick person. You were not yourself then. You didn't mean to treat everyone the way you did...you just needed help. Badly." Some days though the guilt hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't let myself wallow for long but when it hits, it HITS.

For me another thing that is extremely frustrating is that sometimes I can't deal with LIFE. That's right, LIFE. Day to day things. If I get a week that is jam packed busy, I get completely overwhelmed and stressed and my mental state gets all out of whack. It doesn't make me want to drink but it makes me feel less than great for sure. Those are the times that in the past I would have heavily self medicated with bottles of wine. Now I have to dig myself out and get to a meeting even if it's the last thing I want to do that day. I think, why does this stuff stress you out? People live every day dealing with MUCH more stress than you do. Oh yeah...I'm sick. That's right. My bad.

I guess those are the main things that I deal with on bad days. Everyone says the first year of sobriety is a total roller coaster. I would agree. I get motion sick really easily so roller coasters have never been my thing and now is no exception. But the good outweighs the bad by FAR. I sure as heck don't want to go back to the way things were before. I know that they CAN very easily which is what keeps me working my program and "doing the deal." I know I have to.

So thanks to the guy who is so real on his blog. I hope to start being more real as well. Baby steps.

Here's what's been cookin'

2011-10-30T14:56:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one week! I am a crazy woman. HA I wanted to get on here to post a few recipes that I've made lately. I used to have a blog devoted solely to my baking and cooking but as I said, that was called "wine lover's cooking diary." I feel like that isn't appropriate anymore....ahem. Anyway, I am still cooking and baking though and I want to share some things that I have made lately in case you are looking for some new things to try! I love the internet for finding fabulous recipes...I don't know what I did before cooking blogs!!!

I like to use the crockpot when I can since we are so darn busy. Hubby isn't as huge of a fan as me but he also isn't the one who has to find time to fix dinner with our schedules so sometimes I just go for it. :) This loaded baked potato soup is SO good. It was perfect for a cold day and smelled so delicious while cooking. Very easy to make! If you want it a little thicker then use less chicken broth. I will probably use less next time.

One of my all time favorite fall recipes is for iced pumpkin cookies. I made these a few years ago for the first time and now I get requests for these every year. I made these for hubby's secretary last week for her birthday and everyone loved them! Whoever came up with this recipe deserves a medal. The pumpkin cookie part is good enough to eat on it's own but is made every yummier with the drizzled icing. YUM! (picture from allrecipes.com)
Here is another yummy crockpot recipe - southwest chicken stacks. I LOVED this one. I could live on Mexican type food though so it would be something for me to NOT have loved it. You can really do a lot of different things with this recipe - make it into tacos, burritos, quesadillas, or my favorite, over tortilla chips. I make mine into nachos with all the fixings and it is so good. Even kid friendly which is always good! (photo from Mel's Kitchen Cafe blog)

I guess one final post should be the birthday cake that I made for my stepson's birthday. I was terrified to make this cake. I am pretty crafty - not to toot my own horn, but creativity is just one of my strengths. But cake? I had never messed with cake. Cookies? Yes. Cake? No. But Will wanted an army tank cake, so an army tank cake was what he would get. I found some ideas on Pinterest and used those as starter guides. Here is what mine ended up looking like:

Hope you enjoy at least one of these recipes - I have lots more where these came from so I hope to share them with you soon! Happy Sunday!

On being an inspiration and fun in recovery

2011-10-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

Once again it's been forever since I have blogged. You would think I would have a ton of time to do so but I am actually pretty busy most of the time. And I think that blogging is something you have to be in the mood to do. If you aren't it's more of a chore than something therapeutic and fun which is what blogging means to me. So a lot has happened! We had my Will's 8th birthday party last weekend, Tabi finished up soccer and made the honor roll, Sheridan was voted into student council and on the school paper, and hubby leaves for Korea on Sunday for business. Oh and Rocko, well, he is still Rocko. Sleeping. A LOT. HA

A couple of things have happened yesterday and today that kind of made me want to write. Yesterday I was told by two different people that I was an inspiration to them. Me??? An inspiration? Both of these people probably read this blog so I hope they don't mind me writing about them but they really made my day. A long time friend of Tommy's wrote to me yesterday sharing that she had dealt with addiction in her own family and that she was so inspired by me showing her that addiction doesn't always win. Last night I spoke with someone I love very much who was a roommate at inpatient rehab. She has struggled with relapse and struggling to find her way on this journey of sobriety. I pray for her every single day and I know she can do this when she is ready. She said that I give her hope and that she is inspired by me and how I am living my life. Two people in one day said those things to me. It made me feel really good I have to say. That wouldn't have happened 6 months ago when I was active in my alcoholism. Today I can say that though I am sober for myself, being an inspiration to others is one of the many things that helps keep me sober and hold me accountable for my actions in my recovery. I know that I am inspired by people in the program who have remained sober for years and equally as inspired by the newcomer who comes in and picks up that white surrender chip. To think that someone feels that way about me makes me so grateful for my own recovery. To think that I am helping people in some way even if it's just showing them that addiction doesn't always win, then I am doing something right. As I grow in my sobriety I hope to be able to continue to share my experience, strength, and hope with others to help with their journey as well as continue on my own.

When I first went into meetings before treatment I was not sold on them. For one I was completely turned off by the "Higher Power" talk and for another I thought I didn't belong there. I wasn't bad enough and why would these people ever want to hang out with me or why would they care about me and what I did? Now almost 6 months later, I can't imagine my life with "these people". There are days when I do not want to go to a meeting. Most of the time it's because I'm being lazy or because I'm in a bad mood for some reason. Those days are exactly the days I need to get my butt to a meeting. Today I was feeling a little lazy, I can't lie. But I dragged myself to my normal noon meeting and I am so glad that I did. I love that meeting. I go to it at least twice a week, sometimes more. There is a lot of long term sobriety as well as newcomers. A good mix of old and young, rich and poor, men and women, and everything in between. The people in that group have become a family to me. I miss them when I don't see them and I know when I am gone they wonder where I am. Because they genuinely care. Most people in there are regulars and have been going for quite some time so we are all a pretty tight knit group. You have your jokesters, you have your more serious people, you have your people who never talk and those that, well, can talk to much sometimes. :) Today I ended up between two guys who are regulars who I have come to respect a lot for the way they work the program. They are also two of the biggest class clowns possible and between the three of us, a couple of guys sitting in front of us, and the rest of the group, we laughed and cut up so much that I left the meeting with a smile on my face a lot bigger than the one I came in there with. I am so thankful for that part of my reocvery family at the noon meeting. It IS possible to have fun in recovery. You just have to get involved, meet people, throw yourself out there and work it. It's a choice you have to make and I'm glad I"m getting more comfortable with that choice.

That is my recovery talk for the day. HA I am now ready to chill out at home on this chilly Friday night and watch Game 7 of the World Series. What a game last night! As a Cardinals fan I am rooting hard for them. However, I am rooting for Josh Hamilton on the opposing team - he is a recovering addict and has such a powerful story. It's amazing to me when people who have so much power due to their celebrity put themselves out there with their stories. They probably have no idea how much they help others in recovery and those who might one day be in recovery.

Go CARDINALS!

Long time, no blog!

2011-10-01T17:47:00.001-07:00

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged! Life is pretty busy right now with recovery events, meetings, kids sports (3 playing soccer with 1 playing football in addition to soccer!), and just life in general. I am thankful for my sobriety to be able to actually ENJOY these things going on. Don't get me wrong, sometime I get overwhelmed. I had a day a couple of weeks ago where I thought, okay, I don't have time for everything and then I got in the nasty spiral of overthinking things which gets me nowhere. But overall I am very happy with where life has taken me even if it's busy! So let's catch up here...

A couple of weeks ago Tommy and I made the 2.5 hour drive to Nashville, TN to go to the Cumberland Heights annual alumni picnic. I can't even explain to you the feeling of peace that comes over me anytime I go back there. It saved my life and I am thankful for that every single day. We had lunch, heard a speaker, and the best part was being able to visit with some of my "sisters" who went through treatment with me. That is a bond that will never be broken for sure! I snuck a few pictures from that day, including this one where I am pretty much thinking, "Haha, look at me! I have not only my phone but a camera on campus AND I'm wearing a skirt!!" Okay, maybe not but that little alcoholic voice inside of me was probably thinking this since as a patient I couldn't have done ANY of those things!!! HA (Seriously though, one day we got in trouble for wearing yoga pants...YOGA PANTS! Apparently they were too tight on our butts and the boys were distracted. Um, whatever.... HA)

Somewhere along the past couple of weeks we have also had Tabi's senior night for soccer, my other half sister had her baby shower, Will's final football game of the season, had about 10 trees cut down in the back yard today, and assorted other things.

This past week I've started having some major joint pain in my fingers, wrists, elbows and now ankles. I've had it off and on for the past few months in mild form but the past week it has really taken on a new level. I went to the doctor twice this week and on Friday had blood drawn to check for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc. I am praying it is not RA but that does run in our family unfortunately. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my bloodwork comes back okay and it's just inflammation or some sort. I said I'm going to wear a shirt that says, "I became sober and all I got was rheumatoid arthritis!" HA

Today I was very fortunate to be able to attend the annual alumni picnic at Deaconess Crosspointe, the center where I had my outpatient treatment. It was a great fellowship lunch with an awesome speaker. I am so thankful for both Donna and Dave who run the program that I attended - they save lives every day doing what they do. I know that they had a hand in saving mine. I am blessed to be able to be surrounded by such amazing people at these events. And I was able to play with my sponsor's grandson which is a treat! He is such a cute little baby! That event put me in a great spot for the rest of the day.

I have a couple of other things up my sleeve to blog about but as I said, my fingers and wrists are hurting right now so I can't type for long periods of time. Stay tuned to hear why I now have a ceramic white elephant on my mantle and very weird story about a find in a local "junk shop" that made both my mom and I step back and say, "Whoa...God works in mysterious ways."

PS - Tomorrow is my 5 month anniversary of being sober!!!

Where did the week go?

2011-09-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

This is one of those weeks where I think, where the heck did the week go??? It seems like what I did last weekend was just yesterday.

Last weekend was a great overall weekend. It truly was one of those weekends where I thought, wow, I am so happy I am sober to enjoy all of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy every day that I'm sober but I know that the things that made me truly happy inside last weekend wouldn't have made me as happy when I was drinking. Sad, but true. Friday was my mom's birthday and we always do a day trip to wherever she wants to go. She is very into geneaology and our family tree so we drove around to some small towns near here and looked at old family cemeteries, old school houses, and went to Spring Mill.

Last Friday night hubby and I went to the Friday night meetings of Al-Anon and AA which conveniently are right next door to one another in the building. After that a group of us couples including my sponsor and her hubby went out to eat at IHOP. I am not a huge IHOP fan but I had pumpkin pancakes. They were to die for. I MUST make some. We stayed out until almost 11 - late night for us! Oh how things change.

Saturday was another great day. We woke up and went to Will's football game and...wait for it...he scored his first touchdown ever! So fun to watch that. After that we had the kids and we just hung out at home all day. Rocko and Will played in the backyard, Tommy watched college football, Sheridan did her almost teenage girl thing which I believe was consisting of watching movies and painting nails, and I did various things like working in the yard. We made two new recipes that day - one for dinner and one for dessert. The dinner recipe was pepperoni pizza puffs. Such a cute idea for a kids dinner and they both loved them. I suggest you try them especially for the kiddos.

(I could not for the life of me get good pics of these on my own so I'm using the pictures from the blogs that I found the recipes. Need to work on food photography skills clearly...HA!)

For dessert we made snickerdoodle cake with brown sugar cinnamon buttercream. Did you die a little bit just reading that? Here is how you know it is a good cake - between the cake and the icing it called for SIX and a HALF sticks of butter. No, that is not a typo. As disgusting as the thought of that much butter sounds, this cake is SO freaking good. Perfect for fall. The kids had a good time helping make it and licking the beaters. When they were 3 and 7 they fought over who got to pour in the ingredients and now at 7 and 11 they are STILL having this same argument. HA!

So overall last weekend was awesome. I can't even tell you what all I've done this week. Like I said, seems like it just came and went. I worked concession stand Tuesday night at Tabi's soccer game which I was dreading but actually was kind of fun. This is one of those unselfish type things that I look at and know that when I was in my addiction I would have just not even volunteered to do. It wouldn't have crossed my mind. Different year, different me. I've been obsessing this week over our bedroom decor. I haven't touched the bedroom yet as I've been working on the rest of the house and in true addict fashion I can't have a project and just not let it consume me. Hopefully I'll pull the trigger and buy some things soon so I can get it off my mind. HA

Tomorrow we are heading to Cumberland Heights in Nashville where I went to inpatient treatment. It is the annual alumni picnic and I can't WAIT to see so many of the ladies who were in rehab with me. We formed such strong bonds in such a short amount of time. The weather is supposed to be great, road trip with the hubby, I have a fab new fall outfit to wear and I get to go to one of my favorite places on earth. Am I happy? I think so!

Let's Talk Fall

2011-09-08T16:35:00.001-07:00

I've been ready for fall for a little while now and finally, FINALLY this past weekend I walked outside and said, "It's football weather!!!" I have been SO ready to put up fall decorations and bake yummy apple pumpkiny fall deliciousness. Now I despise Winter, but this, THIS is perfecto.

I've been obsessed recently with Pinterest. If you don't know what it is, it's basically a place where you can "pin" pictures that you find on the internet that you might like to save. You can categorize your pictures in any way that you want. Might sound silly but it's highly addictive. I found a lot of really cool decorating ideas for Fall and Christmas that I can't wait to use. I have done a couple of things already. Here is a little of the season in my house:

This is the chest in our dining room - I just changed out the pictures to fall pictures of the kids and framed a fall quote/print that I found on Pinterest.

I made this banner with cardstock and scrapbook paper - I love it!

Now for the best part of this post - the fall baking. This afternoon I made apple spice cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese icing. Are you dying yet? There is one thing that I HAVE to tell you before you choose to make these. Are you listening? This is important. This icing it do DIE for. I absolutely love it. I'm not afraid to admit that I literally sucked this icing out of the tip. These smell so good when they are baking and they are so freaking yummy. Go make these. Now.

4 Months & One Last Summer Post

2011-09-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

Before I post anything I have to say WOW. After my post a few days ago "coming out" so to speak about my alcoholism, I was bombarded with people leaving me comments of support and love. I post my blog updates on my Facebook page so I had a ton of my Facebook friends posting supportive words. It was awesome really. I didn't write that post to get all of that praise for what I've done, but it was really nice anyway. :) On that note, I'll post one alcohol related item then move on to other things in life. After all, I got sober to live life, not to dwell on my disease!

Today was my 4 month anniversary and I picked up my chip today at my regular noon meeting. I said that it's always a great thing for me to pick up a chip because my sobriety date was also my first day in inpatient rehab. It's good to look back on that time in my life to be reminded of how it was and how it is now. I'll take now, thanks.

(Yeah, I totally took a picture of this with my iphone in the middle of the meeting to send to my husband....HA!)

So, it's 100 degrees here today. What is up with that? It's September. I'm ready to decoarate for fall and do fall baking. I am over this heat. Will's football game tomorrow is canceled because of HEAT. Seriously? Football canceled because of heat? Ugh. Over it. I hate winter though so I'll not complain TOO much. I figured I'll do one last summer post because I'm hoping to get in FALL mode soon! (Confession: I've actually already started decorating for fall...)

Let's talk flowers. And plants. I have NEVER been one who has a green thumb. Okay, let's not sugar coat this - I've never been able to keep plants alive, period. Was it my lack of watering? My lack of fertilizing? My lack of....giving a sh*t? Probably all of those things. With our new home came a lot of new landscaping and I have been determined to keep all of these plants alive and looking fab. So far, I have done pretty well. I've always wanted a house that looks pretty on the outside as well as the inside - pretty flowers, nice porch, all that good stuff. I'm spending a lot of time making sure that happens. I give you...my first attempt at actually giving a sh*t about my yard:

(Look at Rocko in the window - HA!) ^

That is just a few things in my yard right now. Some of you are probably thinking, um really? You are excited about potted plants and some roses and hibiscus? YES. Yes I am. I am telling you, I've killed every plant I've ever had so this is all amazing to me. Turns out maybe I like playing in my yard.

On that note, off to water the plants. And get eaten alive I'm sure.

Yeah, about that whole "recovering alcoholic" thing...

2011-08-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

So I decided to go ahead and put "recovering alcoholic" in the "About Me" section on this blog. I questioned it but it is such a huge part of my life now that I can't really blog about my life and leave that part out. I started to wonder, what is the big deal if people know I am a recovering alcoholic? I am proud of the work I have done on myself and the changes I have made in my life and I have no reason to hide it really. I understand that some people do like to keep it to themselves and that is okay. I get it. But for me, I'm throwing it out there. So there it is.

And just how did this all come about? For the past few years most people knew I liked to drink. I was kind of known for that. Everyone knew I loved wine, everyone knew I was always up for going out and having a good time, and if you had questions about wine or liquor, come to me. I've got the answers. I'm not saying that I didn't have some fun times - I did. But what most people didn't see was that my life was spiraling out of control in every aspect. I was not the same person anymore. I was becoming a selfish person who didn't care about consequences, who didn't care about hurting those I love, and didn't care how I looked to other people. It was a nasty spiral.

I'm not about to sit here and tell my whole story yet. I'm nowhere near a point in my sobriety to do so. But a few things I will say just to get them out there. Knowing that alcoholism is a disease is huge to me. It's somewhat comforting to know that I didn't do anything to cause this problem. I have it inside of me, my brain is actually different than a non-addict/alcoholic's brain. Seeing that demonstrated by a doctor who knows his stuff was pretty amazing. I was doomed from the start with my family history and there really was not much I could have done to prevent it from wreaking havoc on me. Knowing what I know now about alcoholism, I look back at my childhood and teen years and know that I had all of the symptoms of a future alcoholic/addict. More on that in a later post. Knowing that alcoholism does not discriminate is a biggie I think. I sit in meetings with doctors, lawyers, surgeons, teachers, coaches, restaurant workers, men, women, young, old, every ethnicity, etc. Anyone can have this. The damn disease will eat you alive no matter what kind of purse you carry or what kind of car you drive. I'm proof of this. Knowing that there are others out there like me has been a great thing. I'm NOT alone in this.

So what happened? Someone smacked me upside the head is what happened. Not literally of course (though it should have happened probably at times). Between my mom and my husband I think I finally was pushed to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I was out of control and they kept pointing it out and as any good alcoholic/addict I was in denial and made excuses for every damn thing I did. After a lot of tears, arguing, hurting everyone around me, I surrendered to the fact that I did have a problem. Something was wrong. Was I willing to admit that I was a bad alcoholic? Eh, not at that point probably but I knew something had to give. Tommy said I could go away to rehab somewhere to get better. This was crucial to me - the going away part. I could not get better here. I had to be away from everything. Some people don't have to, but I did.

May 2nd I was admitted to Cumberland Heights in Nashville, TN for their inpatient 30 day program. Was I scared? Yes. Was I angry? Yes. Was I grateful? Yes. I was about 50 emotions all wrapped up into one scared 29 year old woman. I'll detail more of the rehab experience later but that 30 days changed my life in every way possible. I can never repay everyone there for what they did for me. I made some amazing new friends, had the best counselors, doctors, speakers, etc. that anyone could ask for. That place saved my life. My husband allowing me to go there saved my life. I am eternally grateful. I came home a completely different woman. I was still me in the good ways, but had a totally different outlook on life.

I've been home almost 3 months now and things are better than I could have ever asked for. I have a wonderful sponsor who I speak with a few times a week, I am working the steps of a great program, I go to at the very least 3 meetings a week, I did IOP at home for 6 weeks after returning from Nashville and now am in Aftercare once a week. I also changed my phone number, deleted a myriad of people from Facebook, and dropped a lot of "friends" that I had been hanging out with before. My life is amazing now. It's simple. I have to work hard every day for the amazing part, I won't lie. But I am happier now than I've ever been before. I pick up my 4 month chip on Friday.

So for anyone reading this who knew me as the drinker, don't worry. I'm still fun to be around, I just won't be throwing back the drinks with you anymore. I had one of my closest friends say to me, "I feel so bad about mentioning drinks on your birthday now! I had no idea!" Don't feel bad. This is the first time I'm throwing it out there. Very few people knew about all of this. I wasn't ready to throw it out there until now. So please don't feel bad about anything you have said or done. I'm completely comfortable with my new life (except on the days when I'm not - HA!) so you should be too.

I think that's it for now. I could go on about this subject for hours but I'll save it for later posts. I just needed to get this out there so some of the things I will write about make more sense. Thanks for listening!

Football and Futbol Saturday!

2011-08-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

Fall is a busy sports season in our house. We usually have three kids playing soccer among other things like karate, gifted and talented programs, and other various things. This year we have a little bit of a change. Will is playing football for the first time! Tommy is beside himself with excitement as he LOVES football. I think college football opening day is possibly his favorite day of the year. Anyway, so today was Will's very first football game ever. We couldn't have asked for a better team color either - Kentucky Wildcats blue! Does it get any better for Tommy? I think not. Watching a bunch of first and second graders play football is way better than any other activity I could have planned for the morning. Will was a little star out there! I give you number 38...

In addition to Will's game, Tabi had a soccer game this morning. Isn't it fun trying to be in two places at once? Ugh. I opted to go to Will's game since it was his first one ever. I rarely miss a soccer game of hers so I don't think she minded too much. They have had some rough games this week against bigger schools. She is doing great this year though! I could never play soccer. They are ROUGH out there. No thank you. I give you number 1...Tommy had oral surgery yesterday. Ouch! Something about extraction and cadaver bone. If I hear anything else about that part of it I might faint so moving right along...in other news, apparently yesterday a bat flew into my Granny's house. She was told by my uncle to NOT shoot it with a BB gun which was her first instinct but in true Granny-pro-BB-gun-shooting form she nailed it despite being told not to! HA! Moral of the story - don't mess with Granny.

House Whirlwind

2011-08-26T11:24:00.001-07:00

For those of you who don't know, the past couple of years have been crazy for us in the housing department. In November 2009 we were driving around a neighborhood near our house looking at lots for sale. Somewhat daydreaming. Then we stumbled upon a house that was for sale for an extremely good price for the neighborhood. It needed some work and some updating but we aren't afraid of that by any means. After much discussion we decided to purchase the house and remodel it. The lot/yard sold us on the house and the idea of more room was pretty fab also. So in November 2009, we bought and moved into this house:

On a nice sunny, breezy fall day in November 2010, my husband was out raking leaves with Rocko, Tabi was inside asleep, I was at work, and all the sudden Tabi came running out of the house yelling "Fire!" Sure enough, the house was on fire. Tommy ran in and started throwing out what he could but within just a short time we lost pretty much everything. The outside of the house didn't look bad but the inside was pretty much gutted. Culprit = wood burning fireplace. The whole experience was exhausting and emotional. Not quite what we had in mind for a remodel....

We were lucky enough to move into a condo right up the street while our new home was being built. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade right? We decided we might as well go ahead and build basically our dream house at this point. We know we don't want to move again, we wanted something we all would love, and we had a lot of visions in mind already. So we took off with it. In June 2011 our new home was complete and we were able to move in. That is the last two years of our house experiences in a nutshell. Consider this the abridged version. I could write for days on all of this. Our beautiful new home:

In between all of this going on my 17 year old sister moved in with us and we became her legal guardians, we bought our dog a month before buying the new house in 2009, I went away to rehab for a month, and a whole lot of other assorted events occurred.

We are thankful now to be living in our new home and enjoying a mostly normal, boring life. Life is life and things will happen but for the most part we just hang out at home and do our thing. And sing to our dog. Oh, did I mention we sing to our dog? It's true. We are nuts. Enjoy. HA

Welcome to our life!

2011-08-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me are probably thinking, "Is she doing ANOTHER blog??" Yes, yes I am. I am no longer going to keep up with any of the other ones - heck, I haven't for a long time. I had the blog when my brother was in Iraq, I had the cooking & baking blog, I had the blog for when our house was being built....it makes my head spin. I'm now just combining everything into this one spot. This will be a place for my family and friends to keep track of what is going on with us and for me to have a place to organize my projects so I don't go nuts trying to do so in my own head! Get ready for a mix of all sorts of things - house projects, trips, cooking, family time, and of course, our bulldog Rocko. It's his world, we just live in it, let's be honest. HA! So enjoy keeping up with our family - hang on tight because it can get busy and we are all running in a hundred different directions on any given day!
Love you all,
April